I don't fish. I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone fishing. Not because I have some ridiculous moral code that prevents me from sticking a hook their scaly flesh, but because I find it to be... how do I say this gently?
Boring.
I do not hunt either. Although there was that one time when I rode around on the back of my brother's truck chasing groundhogs. I have killed spiders before; more or less because I felt they were hunting me.
Nor do I make a habit out of wearing camouflage as to make myself invisible to critters. If I wear camo, it's because it's re-gifted hat that no one wanted.
Furthermore, I generally choose something other than fox pee for my personal eau de toilette.
"Kim" called me yesterday. She tried really hard to get me to see myself differently.
According to "Kim", I was such a valued customer at the local Bass Pro Shop (I've been there twice), that my name was chosen for an outstanding travel package. "Kim" spoke to me for 15 minutes, calling me by my first name as if we had been long-time friends. "Kim" shared with me of her own travels and the impact her experiences had on her and her loved ones.
"Kim" spoke in earnest about her appreciation of my purchasing-power in such a way, that I ALMOST believed Bass Pro would send me away on an all-inclusive vacation. After all, my only responsibility would be to drive myself there.
"Kim" recommended Williamsburg.
All I would need to do to make this happen included securing the packet for delivery with my VISA or MasterCard. The packet, "Kim" said, contained sensitive material, including "two $25 gift cards for Bass Pro! Isn't that awesome Rachel??"
Totally.
"So how much we talking on the VISA?"
"Well, after counting in all of savings that we are offering, this is a real steal Rachel. You will receive the gift cards, paid vacation and a certificate for a cruise that is good up to a year for only $269.43!!"
"That's cool. So I'm getting a free vacation for $269.43?"
"Yep! It's a really great deal Rachel..." and then she proceeded to tell me about her trip to Las Vegas and the food she ate and how cute her boyfriend looked and... you get the picture.
"Um, well I just returned from a trip to Mexico, so I can't really afford $269.43 for a free vacation."
"I totally understand Rachel. I know money can be tight which is another reason why this deal is so AWESOME! I mean all the money you get to save by getting this deal..."
"Yes. It is awesome Kim. Totally. But I don't have $269.43 for a free vacation."
"Okay... let's see what I can do for you. Tell you what, I'll offer you this deal for $218. That includes the gift cards, vacation and cruise!!"
"Right. I don't have $218 for a free vacation."
"Hang on one sec Rachel okay? I'm gonna send you to my manager and see how we can help you."
Silence.
"Hi, Rachel?" The voice sounded less chipper and more demure.
"Yes."
"I understand we are offering you this amazing deal at minimal cost... are you interested?"
"I just returned from Mexico. I can't afford this free vacation."
"Okay I tell you what I'm going to do for you... I'm only allowed two of these a day and haven't used any so far."
I wait.
"I'm gonna give you this package for the slim cost of $116 Rachel! This is quite a deal!!"
"Yeah, uh, I can't afford $116 dollars for a free vacation."
"Are you sure?" sounding annoyed, "This is a really good deal Rachel."
"Yeah, I can't afford $116 dollars for a free vacation."
"Okay."
Silence.....
.................
"But... thank you?"
Silence......
Dial tone.
I wonder about the irony here... I did actually buy something from Bass Pro. Once. For my trip to Mexico.
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