Happy Friggin Holidays

Christmas is one those grand times of year in which folks dress up like eskimos and eat too much and roast chestnuts and hang tinsel on a gaudy fake tree. I mean, I love the holiday myself. This is evidenced by that fact that the garland on my mantle has been appropriately arranged since the Saturday following Thanksgiving. My tree was likewise decorated and presents wrapped within 48 hours of the gluttonous feast. Black Friday is the holiday that follows that other one in which we're supposed to be thankful and such.

Part of the splendor that comes with the advent season is obviously the music. Whether it be carols or hymns or new Holiday creations, the music serves as a catalyst for warm, fuzzy feelings, baking cookies, and putting up lights... in some cases, more lights than necessary.

This season, I have become ensconced with the music... listening to it in my car, while I wash dishes, while I'm fixing breakfast, while I'm at the office. For the most part, holiday melodies do provide the warm fuzzies for my psyche.

However - comma - there are some songs that I have come to discover are less-than-jolly. Indeed, some are downright sinister, not by virtue of the song, but rather by virtue of the artist behind it. Allow me to elaborate.

Mariah Carey - in most every song she sings with the intent of merriment and joy, I rather find myself picturing demented elves dancing around with smiles too wide to comfortably fit their little faces. I find it to be full of noise and distraction and too much vibrato. Mariah Carey does not create for me a sense of cozy and happy. Rather, I grow withdrawn and scared. I wish to run home, grab my neatly placed stocking that has been hung by the chimney with care, and pull it over my head.

Amy Grant - oh Amy... "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" has become the most nauseating song of the season. I don't question her artistic ability to create music. But I do question her gag reflex and solarplexis when she covers this song. I am left with impression that she is on the verge of throwing up a little in her mouth when recalling that her loved ones are neeeeeaaaaarrrrr.

So this is Christmas. And what have YOU done? - well, I am going to change that channel temporarly. That's what I am going to do. This song is not conducive to wrapping up in a cozy snuggie and watching It's A Wonderful Life. Rather this song makes me feel guilty about that extra helping of mashed potatoes I had. I feel less-than-okay about not paying that extra dollar to the Make A Wish Foundation when checking out at Food Lion. I feel selfish for using 2 ply toilet paper and encouraging the further destruction of trees for a more enjoyable bathroom experience. I am reminded of the the starving kids Grandmother always told me about when I wouldn't finish all of my vegetables. No thanks. Blinders please. It's Christmas for crying out loud!

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time - not when this song is on. It's choppy and not fluid. This song stresses me out. I can't relax. I do not have a wonderful Christmas time when this is playing. It lies to me.

Give me some Nat King Cole and Michael Buble. Give me those instrumental classics and big band era feel-goods. Give me that good time feeling with images of utopia and good will. Allow me to dance in the oblivion that everyone is drinking cocoa and sledding and eating and sleeping in warm beds. Now that is a happy friggin holiday.